The title says it all. The Lord has painfully convicted me recently that there was a certain element within my health journey that has become idolatrous. That element was control. I thought I had a modicum of control despite my biblical belief that God is sovereign over all things. In typing that out, I realize how paradoxical it is. I can't believe that God has complete control while I reserve a corner for myself. He is God and I am not.
Why this seemingly obvious revelation? I need jaw surgery and I was not handling it well. To understand why I was struggling so much, I will provide some context. I was diagnosed with skeletofacial dysplasia as a teenager. In short, this means my jaw and face did not develop normally. I underwent extensive orthognathic surgery and had braces for a couple years. I was able to get my braces off my freshman year of college and had that picture perfect smile I had always wanted. I was very blessed to have been able to have my jaw fixed as a teenager. The surgical process was incredibly painful and involved something called a distraction osteogenesis of my mandible. This is similar to the process that surgeons use to lengthen bones with people that have dwarfism. Pain that originates in your face is not something you can shut off. Just remembering that level of pain makes me feel tense and my heart pound. I would happily undergo unmedicated birth again than to ever have another jaw surgery.
Why would I need another surgery if I had the jaw issues corrected the first time? Several years back my dentist mentioned that my full palate nightguard (to prevent damage from clenching and bruxing) wasn't adequate and that there was a newer appliance called an NTI that provided biofeedback to help prevent me from clenching at all. Great! So I was fitted for one on my four lower front teeth. I ended up cracking that first one and I should have said I was going back to my original nightguard. I trusted that dentist and paid out of pocket (again!) to be fitted with an NTI that covered the four top front teeth. Over the course of time, the unnatural bite that the NTI created has forced my jaw to move and I have a significant amount of bone loss in the temporomandibular joint (TMJ). I now have an open bite again and difficulty eating things because my jaw is not properly aligned.
I will be having an arthrocentesis performed on my TMJ, will get braces again and take an experimental drug cocktail to try to regenerate some of my bone. The drugs are a long term treatment that I will be taking for years. I am struggling with the new prescriptions because I have no idea if the benefits will outweigh the side effects or if more chronic health issues could develop from taking them. Continuing to lose bone is not really an option however when I consider my pain is pretty chronic at this point. There are no real breaks. It's an ache across my face nearly all day, every day.
I have wept over this A LOT. I am not a big crier but this has made me cry in a way that has caught me off guard. I have had to examine and pray why I have been having such a difficult time with this development. I believe a lot of it is not wanting to relive the physical trauma of the surgeries I had as a teenager. In my mind, I did the right thing. I wore the thing I was supposed to, I was continuing best care practices and I deserve my happy ending. In this area of my TMJ dysfunction, I thought I had some level of control over the outcome. In the Lord's sovereignty, the very thing I thought was helping and stabilizing my TMJ was the very thing aggravating my TMJ dysfunction. I have vacillated between anger and bitterness at the original dentist that advised the NTI and just feeling really despondent. TMJ is considered a dental issue so my health insurance isn't covering any of this. Our dental doesn't provide coverage for orthodontics so that is also out of pocket. We have two kids that need braces here shortly and I feel incredibly frustrated that money has to be spent on something that my kids should need more than me. I don't want my sons to go through this and I feel helpless.
If I truly believe that the Lord makes my boundaries fall in pleasant places, then why I am not trusting Him more? I am struggling because I was trying to maintain sovereignty over my own life. I was not fully trusting Him.
Thankfully in the weeks since I have received the diagnosis and told I needed surgery, the Lord has been faithful in refining me and pointing me towards His goodness. Now I feel ashamed at how angry and despondent I was. Within our church family, three members have passed away recently. A friend with four young children passed away from cancer just days ago. My situation is just a mouth and teeth. Sure, I need to eat to live but this is simply a quality of life issue and not a life changing diagnosis. I know people that are experiencing life altering grief and that has put things into their proper perspective. The Lord is faithful and I am determined to be a faithful testimony of perseverance and trust.
The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
Psalm 16:5-6 (ESV)
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